Late last night, I emailed Helen something funny about how much I hate birds. She thought it was funny, and this got me to wondering whether there was a facebook group for people who hate birds, and sure enough, there was. “I Hate Birds” has 3,948 members. I joined and posted part of my email to her, here for your amusement and/or horror (you have been warned):

just a little while ago, the moon set. it’s still nice out, though much cooler than earlier. and guess what. there’s a fucking bird tweeting. not just once in a while…. like crazy, and on and on and on. like the ten millions others do at sunup, but here we have one that is different.

I asked myself just one question, and it’s the same question I ask of myself: in the grand scheme of evolution and influence on the world, how will this individual do — success or failure? be interesting to know. I only knew one other bird, that I can recall, that tweeted at night. It was in 1991 at my dad’s when April was there. we had a couple of drinks and just laughed and laughed and laughed…. eventually I was like, “I hate birds. I’m going to go shut it up. do you want to come along?” (she did), so we went outside, snuck around to try to get close, and blasted a gun near it (which I had conveniently remember to bring along). It shut up. 5 minutes later when we got back in the house, it started up again! You might imagine the uproarious laughter we extracted from that experience!

Now bringing this story up to the present (yesterday):

Today not long after i got up, before coffee, i heard really loud tweeting….now remember, I hate birds with a passion except if they’re cooked and served on my dinner plate (or flying around in the air near me, shotgun in hand, on their way there). I’m one who will let the windows open at night and who detests the morning, but will get up just to shut the windows so I don’t have to listen to those fuckers tweeting, squawking, chirping, squeaking, screaming, twittering, or making any other heretofore unmentioned useless obnoxious noises, except possibly the screeching of an owl in the night and the quiet clucking of a chicken living in oblivion.

So I’m hearing this tweeting, looking for an open window to close, but all the windows were shut because it was so hot today… perhaps you’ve heard scientists describe the planet Venus in the daytime. it was like that only different. I traced it down not to a window, but to the garage door… I threw the door open to surprise it, and sure enough, a bird flew out of the open garage door. As I was looking in the area it flew from, searching for a nest, another flew out — right out of my tool box! those little fuckers had built a nest in a cardboard box in the top of my tool box. there were no eggs in it so I dumped it outside and picked up all the little pieces of grass and then put a grinder in the box… which was labeled “Angle Grinder”, not “Bird Nest”!

the bastards can’t read anything for shit, but they sure do shit on anything they can’t read.
which is *everything*.

A bird is just a digestive tract with a mouth at one end and a perpetually open asshole at the other where black, white, and purple shit constantly emanates because nature forgot to design them a sphincter!

I can’t believe I just typed that out loud but I *really* hate those disgusting little fuckers.

Do you?  You can join my own I Hate Birds facebook page.  The other eventually went away after attaining 6000 likes.